I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Marriage isn鈥檛 between a man and a woman. It鈥檚 between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Please let me in.. 馃槀
Sound on
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can鈥檛 remember but he has gray hair
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
There鈥檚 a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Good morning, Twitter x
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Flock of bats