awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work