Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.