My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
こいつ天才
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
What?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Love it! 👍😂
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.