when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
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I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*