Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
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Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
the clam before the storm
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.