On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one