as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.