When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Support your local cemetery
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.