“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”