urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Festive toon…
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.