Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A little too much information.