A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I just tested negative for patience.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!