My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
You Might Also Like
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
the red hot silly peppers
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.