Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
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You canβt tell me thereβs anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When I track packages I ordered, I donβt use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try βcolandersβ. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experienceπ
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinkingβ
ME: the fact that Rudolphβs nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why itβs used in observatories. It wouldnβt help Santa at all
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why youβre late?
Me: I didnβt want to give you the false impression that Iβll always be early.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Kids should come with a βskip introβ button for their stories
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or youβll sink like your Segway
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Iβm here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
What people donβt know about me is, when I say βNo worries!β Thereβs a hidden comma in the middle π
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what youβre talking about.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: Iβm not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
You donβt wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you donβt wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
If youβre not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.