Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Oh we’ve met.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.