*updates tinder bio*
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Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again