Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.