[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.