My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?