[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Bartenders are just boneless bars
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.