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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
#damn
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday