[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Damn what did I do next
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.