For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge