When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern