Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isnβt believable.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my moneyβs worth.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DONβT WANT IMMEDIATELY
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him βnoβ he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.