Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Reporter: *ports again*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.