My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
584.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
twitter is a journey
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.