Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You Might Also Like
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take