Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
October already? What’s next? November????
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.