Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
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“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
When I can’t barge, I careen.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time