Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
#gardening
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
me
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???