English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
what it’s like dating me:
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine