Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Fight
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.