*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I didn’t realize that was an option
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa