In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.