[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Nose
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
You had me at “define legal”.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.