I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
You Might Also Like
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.