Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m about to risk it all
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?