ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?