sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life