When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Put this video in the Louvre
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.