“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no