I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Received some very disappointing news today
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage