I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
not for long
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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