Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going