[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.