I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days