-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
🤣🤣🤣