It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
when revenge coincides with naptime
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE